Deborah Ross

I know there must still be some good, decent vets out there who put their heart and soul into looking after animals, just because they’re so great, while doing their utmost to keep consultations and treatments affordable. I know they must still exist somewhere or other. (The Outer Hebrides? The two practices in my patch of north London have both been taken over by chains. When I leave my house I can turn left for a Medivet and also right for a Medivet. Sorry to boast, but do you yet have a Medivet, whichever way you go?)

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I also know they have overheads. I’m not an idiot. But when the CMA launched a public consultation two years ago into whether it should investigate the veterinary market for household pets it drew an “unprecedented” 56,000 responses, with the main complaint being lack of transparency and fairness. I have experience of this and therefore feel confident in drawing up a list of all the things a vet today is least likely to say:

Let’s do nothing for now and just see how it goes.

I’ll print out the prescription but if I were you I’d order the meds at a quarter of the price online.

Let’s not pile on umpteen unnecessary tests and throw everything at it just because Snowy is insured.

That cough could be several things and your guess is as good as mine. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

Give me a minute so I can check whether we might be overvaccinating little Trixie here.

Teeth must be cleaned? Every year? While under general anaesthetic? For £700 a pop?

Are you out of your mind, woman? Where did you hear that?

Now, just to be clear, at no point during this consultation are you going to feel as if you are being held to ransom.

I don’t think we need to send this off to an expensive lab and wait weeks for the result. I’ll just pop out back and have a look under the microscope, shall I?*

I couldn’t live with myself if I stuck a needle in your hamster for £100.

I think I’ll go for this condition, on the cough front, and if I’ve called it wrong, I will hold up my hands and say so.

Ignore the shampoos on your way out. Waste of money.

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(*Happened to me. When my dog was investigated for a condition at Medivet they aspirated a growth and sent it to the lab. Cost: £650. When the growth recurred I found the last one-man band-style practice in my area of the woods, which has since gone, the vet popped out back to have a look under his microscope: £35.)

Meet Slave Nephew, the tech-savvy human ladder

Big news this week, massive. Slave Niece left, alas, after four years of cohabitation and that was sad, because she was fully trained. She was even on board with Mug Watch — one mug a day or the dishwasher will be running constantly — and I don’t think she ever got one past me, as I have eyes in the back of my head when it comes to Mug Watch. It wouldn’t work if you were lax.

In return I learnt that it’s dead simple to ruin a light carpet by leaving uncapped mascaras all over it, Glossier is the best beauty brand “but it’s not for you” and if you want to thicken a curry, it’s possibly not a good idea to tip in a good amount of cornflour, unless you desperately wish for a curried jelly you have to cut with a knife. That was an interesting dinner. “Interesting, this dinner,” I said, as I went in for a carve.

But that’s not the big news that is also massive. The big news that is also massive is: I now have a Slave Nephew! And Slave Nephew is, himself, big and massive. He’s 6ft 2in so of course I put him to work immediately changing the lightbulb over the stairs where it’s too precarious to place a ladder. I have a human ladder now. It had been out for months, that bulb. “Thanks,” I said, “but what’s that mug you’re using? Show it me?” It’s no good if you let them get complacent.

We’re not there yet, by any means, but I am hopeful, and he is showing potential. He’s tech-savvy, set me up with a power bank for a recent trip and has set up a Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen. “Thanks,” I said, “that’s great, but can I just ask: wasn’t your mug the blue one earlier?”